I just found out that my husband has been texting a 16 year old girl.

I’m feeling numb and so confused right now and need to get this off my chest.

We’ve (both 30s) been married for 3 years, no major fights or disagreements and my discovery happened about 2 weeks ago. I’m in utter shock that I sometimes forget this is really happening.

Turns out he’s been sexting this 16 year old girl for 3 months now. I saw their exchanged texts on fb and I did some digging by looking at her facebook profile she’s 16 asian american. Now I don’t know if he knows her outside of facebook because really all I know is some little info but I’m burning inside afraid of the confrontation and how it might go. Not only am I devastated over the fact that he’s potentially cheating but also the fact that she’s a minor. I’m lost on what to do or who to tell or how to process this. I do not think this is a forgivable thing for me to move past even if he comes up with an explanation for this.

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43 replies on “I just found out that my husband has been texting a 16 year old girl.”

I personally would leave. I can tolerate a lot of things I shouldn’t but that would be a for sure deal breaker for me. Divorce and all. I couldn’t ever see them the same way after that. It isn’t a one time thing or a mistake. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

TELL THE POLICE. I’m sorry it’s your husband but he is grooming a young girl like you better make sure he gets put away or on some list because pedophiles don’t stop.

Edit: I see that people are upset over the definition of pedophile but I feel like that’s not the point of what I’m saying. 16 is still too young for him sexually in the US and that’s a vulnerable age whether it’s legal in Canada or not. Also definitely get a lawyer first.

Leave. Leave, as fast as you can, and make sure you call the cops on the way out. Oh, and if you can get into contact with them, her parents. This girl is sixteen years old. She may think she wants this, but she doesn’t. Your husband is taking advantage of a very vulnerable girl and if you know about it it’s your responsibility to do something about it. It may not be pedophilia as others have mentioned, but this is still VERY illegal for a VERY good reason. People these days forget that sixteen year olds are so, so young, and incredibly easy to take advantage of. You don’t have to get into contact with her. Hell, you don’t even have to do it in person. But staying silent past this point is unacceptable.

What your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband is doing is fucking vile, and I really hope you get out of this relationship soon. My heart goes out to you.

If he is sexting hes already cheating, whether or not he is being physical with her. Normally I recommend marriage counseling because none of us on reddit know the whole story, but he is a pedophile. There is no getting past that. Report him to police and leave.

Right now you are going to be feeling very rejected and very low. You’re going to feel like there is something wrong with you and like you weren’t enough to keep your husbands attention or whatever.

I cannot stress to you enough how you need to look at this as there being something wrong with him, not with you. He did what he did because he is a pervert not because you’re not sexy intelligent funny and worth it.

You have behaved the way you should in a marriage and he has not. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with him.

First call a lawyer, then call the cops, then call a therapist because you may start to doubt your self worth. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE. Remember that.

If you speak to him about this he will likely gaslight you and try to hide evidence. Don’t get caught up in this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Edited to add: I want to clarify my last statement: do NOT speak to him about this at all. This could put you in danger. If he is capable of what he’s currently involved in he may be capable of causing you harm. Please do not confront him at all. Do not be by yourself around this person any longer. Grab your essential documents, call a lawyer, call the cops, open a new bank account to give yourself a safety net, and get out and stay with someone your trust. Again: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE. We’re here for you, OP. Truly.

Final Edit (I think): one more thing…. There are quite a few comments about age of consent and whether or not it’s legal where you are. That is why you call a lawyer first. You don’t need to add one more thing to your to do list like researching the law. There are so many nuances of those laws that it’s best to go into this armed with someone else to help you navigate through it. You got this.

Take screenshots of all evidence before he deletes it and report it to police. When you confront him, make sure you are recording his reaction – this may help you in divorce proceedings and will certainly help police. So sorry you are dealing with this but I’m glad you realize that there is no possible excuse that could make this a forgivable offense. The sooner you are rid of him, the sooner you will be able to start healing.

“even if he comes up with an explanation for this”

What kind of explanation could he possibly have? Besides “I’m a gross pervert”.

Late to the party, but I’m gonna jump in and say that you absolutely need to leave and report this to the police. This is unacceptable behaviour for anybody of his age and he needs to deal with the consequences.

Go ahead and divorce him as fast as possible because there’s a chance your husband will be headed to jail on the future. Even if this particular girl is of the age of consent in your state (big if), what’s going to stop him from doing the same with someone 15?

I was in a very similar situation 10 years ago.

First, don’t bother confronting your husband. He will lie. “Deny until you die” was my ex’s strategy.

Get an attorney. Do what they say. I didn’t listen to mine at first. Don’t be dumb like me; it’ll cost you.

Screenshot the hell out of what you find. Save it somewhere he doesn’t have access to. Once he knows you know he will try to erase everything.

Get copies of everything you can. Bank statements, mortgage, loans, 401k/retirement accounts, phone bills, income statements, check stubs, credit card statements. This will come in handy later when settling assets.

Find a good therapist. It needs to be one that you click with. Don’t feel bad if they don’t mesh with you, keep meeting therapists until you find someone that works.

Do you have kids? Get them a good therapist too. The whole process is a lot more complicated if you have kids. Until you know the extent of what he’s done you’ll probably want to keep them away from him. I got an emergency order pretty easily once my ex was arrested. You’ll rely heavily on your lawyer for direction here.

Work with your attorney to form a plan to inform the police. Please don’t skip this step. I know this part is hard but if you stop this relationship I promise there will be another girl. He won’t quit.

PM me if you have questions; I’ll help as much as I can.

I promise it’s better on the other side of this.

she’s technically young enough to be your daughter if you guys hooked up in high school at that age.

You’re still in shock and denial, and blinded by your love.

The reality here is.. he’s sexting a teenager who isn’t even old enough to fucking vote, is in peak hormonal rage, and was in diapers when you both were old enough to vote.

The top comment here by /u/TheStrouseShow perfectly outlines what needs to be done.

Lawyer up and get your side of things in order for the impending divorce. This is not going to end well for either of you one way or another. After you get your side of things in order, report him to the cops, if the lawyer doesnt do it first.

Either she’s gonna slip up and the parents find out, he gets thrown in jail and leaves you with more legal headaches as separating and divorcing will be difficult, and you get hit with the mark of shame. Then there’s the fact he’s grooming and preying on a teenage girl, and needs to be dealt with. This is likely not his first time, either.

A friend of mine found out her deceased ex was a pedophile and had been keeping it on the down low for a long time.

This isn’t your fault, and I am so sorry you have to encounter this. Especially someone you thought you could never think of being angry at and having out of your life.

But you need to at least get him out of your life and even just as importantly, away from that girl as soon as possible.

Contact a family lawyer before you confront him. Get your ducks in a row before any move is made openly.

It’s been said in other threads but I generally agree that

1. Don’t confront/tell your husband what you found, it would only lead to lies and him deleting anything you haven’t found

2. Talk to a lawyer about how to get ready to leave and how to present evidence to the cops

3. Engage with the police after you’ve engaged with a lawyer and follow your lawyers advice.

When I was 14 a guy called me on the phone randomly, this was the 90’s, and he told me he was 17. I was naive and hadn’t even been in a relationship yet. We talked for a couple of weeks or so. We did the equivalent of sexting, but on the phone. He said he wanted to meet me. He came to my house when my parents were out, and I saw him get out his car. He was much older than I thought, so I called the cops. It turned out that he was in his 40’s and married. I don’t know what happened after that with him. They didn’t arrest him. Every now and then I would see a car that looked like his circle the block at night. It went on for a few months. I wasn’t sure if it was him or not, so I didn’t call the cops. Looking back, I should have called them. Definitely call the cops on him. Who knows what he might do next. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I can’t imagine what you are feeling, but you need to protect this girl from him.

1) It’s not a forgiveable thing, he is cheating on you.

2) He values being a predator more than his relationship with you and staying out of jail.

3) He is not the man you fell in love with. Tell yourself this over and over. Give him a new name if you need to (if you call him a nickname, call him something else, or vice versa). The man you knew has died, it is okay to grieve that loss and feel sad, and to still love that man, but unfortunately he is dead to you as of the moment you learned this truth. Now deal with the monster that rudely barged into your life.

4) Think about the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, and what you’d do to protect yourself from that happening. He will be the worst thing to happen to this girl, and probably others, if you don’t take action. Report him to the police immediately.

“..he’s potentially cheating..”

No. He’s literally grooming a child. Cheating would imply that she’s able to make a reasonable decision about how to deal with a 30 year old man trying to lure her into a sexual situation. All she knows is that the attention is nice.

Not potentially “cheating”, not potentially grooming a child. Actually grooming a literal child. I mean, she can’t walk into the mall and get her own ears pierced. She can’t hold a job in many states without parental consent. Like. A kid.

Just sit with him and watch a whole season of Dateline: To Catch a Predator. Let him suffer through it saying nothing. Let him wonder if it is a decoy he has been chatting with. Maybe say that you got a call from an asian sounding person who said he was a detecrive male him think he might be going to jail.

Unfortunately, he’s put you in a position where if you now don’t inform the police, you could be charged with conspiracy / accessory to a sex crime against a minor. You absolutely must report this – for her protection and your own.

Are you able to see on her Facebook any contact names of parents or other adult relatives? If so, I recommend reaching out unless the police tell you otherwise. Either way, do not let yourself be potentially liable.

My sister’s husband was in the same exact situation. She’s foolish though, she believed him when he said he’d stop and was just being friendly. It was their neighbors daughter. He talked his way out of it like he was being a mentor. And she let it go because he said he’d stop. And then obviously he didn’t. And then the girls parents found out. And then my sister’s door was being kicked down by federal agents and they took all the computers and phones in the house. Everything. It was nuts. It’s happened while my mom was visiting them. They sat them in the living room while agents searched the house and took him into custody. The chats were sexual. She still forgave him. They’re still together. We don’t talk to her much anymore.

So my advice is be smart. Do what the other posters say and get a lawyer immediately. Or you could be charged as an accessory since you know about it. I promise her parents will eventually find out. Get ahead of this before your door is kicked down by men with badges.

Do yourself a favor and print out as many texts and interactions as possible. Print out info showing what is in any financial accounts you have, and talk to a lawyer and ask what you should make sure you have copies of, do this before you confront him. If you have any heirlooms from your side of the family pack them up so it’s easier when you want to leave, unless he’ll notice, then just make sure you have a list of YOUR personal items that you want out of the house if you end up moving out in a hurry, this way you won’t leave anything behind. Think about what wedding gifts you received, he doesn’t get to keep all of them. DO THESE THINGS EVEN IF YOU DECIDE TO TRY THERAPY. This way you’ve got you’re ass covered before he can destroy anything that you might need eventually. I would see a lawyer, then show evidence to the police, then when the police have confronted/arrested him you can confront him. If the police won’t do anything then after you see a lawyer, give the girls parents a heads up to what’s going on, before their daughter can delete texts from him.

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